Chaos inside my head. My thoughts were running around rampant as if in the midst of disaster Lists of things to do, worries of things to come, frustrations over the lack of time.
Chaos outside my head. My two girls were running around the room unaware of an impending disaster.
“Mommy, you’re supposed to carry me.”
“Mommy, can you do this for me?”
An endless string of “Mommy, mommy, mommy…”
Everything's peaceful and happy until the kids start to fight or whine.
The heat started building up in my chest, rising through my neck, crawling into my head.
The whining grew louder and louder, “Mommy!” “Mommy!”
I tried to hold it back, push the feeling farther down. To no avail. And I finally exploded. “Stop it, both of you!”
Silence. For a moment, the whole room was silent like it had never been the whole day.
My two girls were stunned at my sudden outburst, they didn’t know what hit them.
I was a disaster waiting to happen and they were the unwitting victims.
A false sense of relief came over, quickly replaced by guilt. I was angry with myself for losing control.
But I wasn’t the only one who was angry.
My big girl, her brows tied into a knot, went into one corner of the room.
My little girl, her eyes teary, retreated behind the closet door.
Have you ever lost your temper knowing you shouldn’t have?
I’ve always thought of myself as a patient person. At least, when I still didn’t have kids, my patience was as thick as rope.
Now I find my patience being worn thin every now and then. And I never like the aftermath of an outburst.
It seems like the most understandable reaction. I’m tired, I’ve got a hundred and one things to do. I hardly even have time for myself. I can be impatient.
I looked at my girls sitting quietly in their corners. One stifling sobs, the other looking out the window, both of them clearly hurt, if not just as angry.
I gathered both of them in my arms, “I’m sorry. Mommy is just tired today.”
I felt there had to be a better way.
How do you become patient?
“Think before you act, because you can never take it back.”
Echoes from my childhood. I heard it from my parents. I heard it in homeroom class. And yet, when I looked around me I saw people who acted (it seems) without thinking.
It seems so simple yet so easy to forget.
“It’s okay Mommy,” my big girl hugs me. Ah children, it’s a good thing they forgive easily.
“Do you still love me Mommy?” my little girl asks. She has always been the more emotional one.
“Of course I love you,” I say and plant a kiss on her forehead.
She must have been confused and she doesn’t need to tell me why.
I don’t read the Bible much but I remember the first two lines.
“Love is patient. Love is kind.”
The room is silent except for the soft breathing of my little ones on the bed.
Peaceful.
I am sitting in my corner desk writing in my journal. Just as I always do when I need answers to my life’s questions.
I want to be more patient.
The words are like a call to the Universe for help.
Practice it.
Sunlight is streaming through our window, bathing the bedroom in its early morning glow.
It’s another day and a new beginning. I’m grateful for the chance to start again.
And so it is, with this new mission in my mind, I am practicing patience for the following weeks.
I am deliberately focusing on being more loving and practicing a better way to respond to my children.
Every week, I’ll have one patience practice and I’ll post about it on the blog.
I am using the flower aster as a visual for this series of posts. Asters are said to symbolize patience and love.
Would you like to join me?
I’d love to hear about your patience practice. Feel free to share in the comments below.
Other Posts in the “Practicing Patience” Series
- Three reasons intentions can help you become more patient
- Want to be more patient? Close your eyes
- How to be patient in 10 seconds
- The only thing you need to remember if you want to be more patient
Love,
Adelina Priddis April 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm
I am so glad I’ve found this series! I too thought I had a lot of patience, until I had kids. I hate those sudden outbursts, and immediately feel the guilt and wonder who I’ve become after one. Looking forward to following along and becoming more patient myself!
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Adelina Priddis April 25, 2012 at 4:57 am
well today was a horrible day! I lost it during bed time. I feel like I failed as a parent.
But then I got on here, and saw my tab to your blog, and remembered I can do this. I can be patience! Thanks for the encouragement, and inspiration to be better!
Adelina Priddis recently posted..Tuesday Tips – Using time Wisely
Optimommy April 27, 2012 at 7:41 am
Hi Adelina, thank you for following along this series.
I understand what you mean, it does feel horrible when I slip. On top of being a failure, I feel like I was a bad mama.
These posts are actually notes to myself, to remind me to focus on the good.
I am glad you find encouragement and inspiration here, that makes blogging very fulfilling for me.
While we can never expect ourselves to be perfect moms, we can always keep trying to be better, moving forward and just loving.
Hugs to you and your little ones!
Beth Hernandez September 19, 2012 at 6:06 am
Hi Ms. Jayme. Thank you for sharing your story. Very inspiring. As a Mom of 2, i can easily relate with your situation. It is really hard to practice patience whenever you are tired, worried over things and very stressed. I often struggle in practicing patience especially with my eldest daughter who is 6 years old and who happens to be a child with special needs. She has Sensory Processing Disorder and at risk for ADHD. Given her condition and as much as I want to understand her, there are times when I can’t seem to hold on to my patience especially when she’s hyperactive and seems out of control. I always pray to God to help and guide me to be a good and loving Mom to my kids. Asking for your prayers too. Thank you and God bless!
Optimommy September 19, 2012 at 6:18 am
Thank you so much Beth for taking the time to visit my online home and for sharing your story. I am happy my post inspired you.
I can only imagine how much of a struggle it is in your situation and how challenging it is to practice patience because of your child’s condition.
I do hope you can hold on to your patience whenever you need it the most and do know I am praying for you too.
(I said a little prayer for you just now.)
Thank you again for visiting and you’re welcome to drop by again anytime. Much love and blessings to you!
Beth Hernandez September 19, 2012 at 6:26 am
Thank you so much for your time and prayer Ms. Jayme. Thank you for being an inspiration. I’m so blessed to find your page. God bless you!
ceemee November 14, 2012 at 2:02 am
I sure need these reminders! It’s hard for me to control my temper with my kids, and I become a monster mommy. Then feel bad and super guilty afterwards. It’s really great that they’re so loving and forgiving and being the ones who are patient with me. I especially thank God for my firstborn who is resilient. I need to learn from my children.
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